Finding Her Why: Part 1

Meet Flo, a 30-something Black woman who loses her footing while climbing the ladder. With the help of her coach and besties, she navigates Corporate America while trying to keep her sanity and edges intact.

Saturday - At my boss’s place 

I just have to show my face, play nicely, and then I can dip. Show my face, play nicely, dip. I can handle that. Lord knows I’d love to be anywhere else on a weekend. But that’s the game and we’re a “family” so here I am. Here goes nothing…

With each step up the block, the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses grow louder. Taking a deep breath, I straighten my dress and reach for the doorbell. After a few moments, the door swings open and Allison answers in all of her expecting glory. 

“Flo, I’m so glad you’re here. Now my baby shower is going to be litty!” Allison exclaims in a sing-song voice. 

Allison regularly speaks to me in slang of yesteryear, which is doubly strange since she’s my boss. On a team of 10, I am the only one who gets the honor of the lingo. Lucky me. I’d like to think it’s because Allison and I went to the same university. We were in the same class year but not close because she majored in Art History and I studied Industrial Engineering. She insists we were in the same study group though. I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s confusing me with my best friend, Keisha, who was an Art History major. And no, Keisha and I don’t look anything alike. I guess it’s possible I’m “girllll” because of our shared college roots but experience tells me it has more to do with being “the Black one” on the team. 

Allison is a decent boss though. She’s friendly and helped when Brad from Marketing stonewalled one of my projects. Granted, she also needed that project to succeed because it was the largest, most high-profile one on her team at the time. Either way, I know that as long as I over-deliver, make her look good, and don’t make waves, she will be supportive. So for these last 3 years as a senior manager, I stuck to the game plan. Do well, don’t complain, and - most importantly - keep everyone comfortable because the consequences are dire when privileged people become uncomfortable. 

That’s what makes me so nervous about our one-on-one next week. How will Allison react when I ask to be considered for Director of Operations? Sure, others have been promoted since I joined, but it’s different for me. They were practically groomed for those roles. Someone higher up vouched for and coached them until they were promoted. It’s almost a given that by 2 years, they move onto something better. Meanwhile, my path has been more self-led and stagnant. While others get pulled up, I stay back. It reminds me of that old schoolyard song my grandma sadly recalled, 

If you’re Black, stick back. If you’re Brown, stick around. If you’re White, you’re alright. 

Well, I’m tired of sticking back. When the director role became available, I decided it was my time to move up the ladder too. I hope Allison supports me, but I can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t mentioned it yet. Especially since she encouraged Miranda, a senior manager approaching 2 years with the team, to apply. She even gave her tips to “wow” the hiring panel. Meanwhile, it’s been crickets for me. 

That’s a problem for another day. Monday, specifically. Today my mission is to show my face, play nicely, and dip. I need to prove that I’m “just like them” if I want to move up. 

Monday afternoon - At the office

"Look, you do great work, but being a top individual contributor and being a director are two different things. I don’t think you’re ready to be a director. Work on the areas I mentioned, and let’s see what makes sense when something opens up. Sorry, Flo. I have to run to another meeting. Let’s catch up later,” Allison exits the Zoom in a hurry, leaving me speechless.

I sit at my computer alone and stunned. Realizing I’m still logged into the Zoom, I quickly close my screen. As I sit at my desk, I feel all the things. Disappointment. Anger. Confusion. But mostly, sadness. The tears form. This time, I put down my cape to let them fall.

Monday evening - Back at my house

So…today was a disaster. I mean, all Mondays are disasters but today took the cake. After preparing my case for promotion, Allison completely shot me down. Apparently, leading our team’s hardest projects doesn’t mean much because I lack “executive presence”. Whatever the hell that means. When I asked for details, Allison rattled off things about communication and style. Professional style? My clothes? Who knows. Honestly, it sounded like she was making it up on the fly instead of speaking from a specific rubric. 

As always, I kept my game face and thanked her for the feedback. They say “feedback is a gift” but I’ve always believed it’s only a gift when the source is credible and the feedback is actionable. People can pretend that feedback is neutral but I’ve been in this body long enough to know that feedback isn’t created or applied equally. “Feedback is information” seems more accurate. It provides insight into what others are thinking. I guess the silver lining is having somewhere to start to improve my chances for promotion: Executive presence.

Still, I can’t help but feel discouraged and confused. It’s time to call in the reinforcements.