Finding Her Why: Part 1

Saturday - At my boss’s place 

I just have to show my face, play nicely, and then I can dip. Show my face, play nicely, dip. I can handle that. Lord knows I’d love to be anywhere else on a weekend. But that’s the game and we’re a “family” so here I am. Here goes nothing…

With each step up the block, the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses grow louder. Taking a deep breath, I straighten my dress and reach for the doorbell. After a few moments, the door swings open and Allison answers in all of her expecting glory. 

“Flo, I’m so glad you’re here. Now my baby shower is going to be litty!” Allison exclaims in a sing-song voice. 

Allison often speaks to me in slang of yesteryear, which is doubly awkward since she’s my boss. On a team of 10, I’m the only one who gets the honor of the lingo. Lucky me. I’d like to think it’s because Allison and I went to the same university. We were in the same graduating class but our paths didn’t cross since she studied Art History and I studied Industrial Engineering. She insists we knew each other and I let her roll with it. I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s confusing me with my best friend, Keisha, who also studied Art History and had several classes with her. I say a silent prayer that it doesn’t come up today. With college classmates surely around, the last thing I need is an uncomfortable exchange.

All in all, Allison is a decent boss. She’s friendly and had my back when Brad from Marketing stonewalled one of my projects. According to Keisha, I shouldn’t throw Allison a parade for intervening since technically it’s her job and she needed my project to win too. Despite Keisha’s skepticism, I remain optimistic about Allison. She has her cringe - sometimes offensive - moments, but I think she’s more ignorant than malicious.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do

I can’t put my finger on it but something is still a little off between us. She’s friendlyish and invites me to events like this one, but none of that has led to a promotion in our three years together. I do it all: Own the tough projects, hit my goals, and strike the delicate balance to be strong and competent, but not threatening. Still, others move forward while I don’t.

Unfortunately, the Director of Operations opening has been the same. I’m the most senior team member but Allison hasn’t mentioned it to me. Even worse, she encouraged Miranda to apply and gave her tips to “wow” the hiring panel. Between my performance and tenure, I should have been next in line. It feels like there’s a club I’m not in, but no one wants to admit it.

If you’re Black, stick back. If you’re Brown, stick around. If you’re White, you’re alright. 

I’m tired of sticking back. It’s my time to move up too. I hope Allison supports me, but I can’t help but wonder why she never mentioned it yet. But that’s a problem for another day. Monday, specifically. Today my mission is to show my face, play nicely, and dip.

Monday afternoon - At the office

"Look, you do great work, but being a top individual contributor and being a director are two different things. You’re not ready. Work on what I mentioned, and let’s see what makes sense when something opens up again….I have to run to another meeting. Let’s catch up later,” Allison exits the Zoom in a hurry, leaving me speechless. That did NOT go how I wanted.

I sit at my computer, stunned and feeling all the things. Disappointment. Anger. Confusion. But mostly, sadness. The tears form and this time I put down my cape to let them fall.

Monday evening - Back at my house

So…today was a disaster. Granted, all Mondays are disasters but today took the cake. After preparing my case for promotion, Allison completely shot me down. Apparently, I lack “executive presence”. Whatever the hell that means. Professional style? My clothes? Who knows. When I asked for details, Allison rattled off things about communication and style. Honestly, it sounded like she was making it up.

As always, I kept on my game face and thanked her for the feedback. Some say “feedback is a gift” but it’s only a gift when the source is credible and the feedback is actionable. People pretend that feedback is neutral but I’ve been in this body long enough to know perceptions aren’t made or applied equally. “Feedback is information” seems more accurate. It lets you know what others are thinking. At least I know what Allison is thinking now and have somewhere to start: Executive presence.

It’s time to call in reinforcements.